I used all my words to fight
by Mae'side
Summary: The mere fact that he thought Merlin would ever sell him out to his father – it hurt beyond compare. M&A friendship, Spoilers for 3x10! Chapter 2 is finally up! please tell me what you think? xo, as always!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N : guys, I'm back again! I'm SO making progress. *is proud of herself* Okay, so this scene really got to me. I really miss the friendship the two of them used to have; somehow I feel the writers have forgotten about it, giving all the Arwen stuff more thought (I'm not a big Arwen fan, so naturally this makes me upset). And I really want Arthur to stop and think about what he's doing. Hence, this little story. I'm going to write at least one more chapter, maybe even two, but PLEASE tell me what you think? It really means everything to me.**

**xo, as always**

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**Merlin

"You know, Merlin – you couldn't keep a secret if your life depended on it!"

If ever he'd felt like punching Arthur in the face (preferably causing a nosebleed) it was now. Not that he would…because even in this moment of pure rage, of heart pounding and bitterness on the tongue, he still felt that connection to the idiot. That loyalty that kept him going every day, careful not to ponder on whether Arthur would do the same for him. Lately, it seemed questionable. The mere fact that he thought Merlin would _ever_ sell him out to his father – it hurt beyond compare.

For the past year, Merlin had thought they'd moved past this stage. He'd grown to think maybe the prince trusted him, believed in him the same way Merlin never doubted him. Things had changed.

All that flashed through his head in that one small second before his mouth opened to scream his reply. Words that, no doubt, would present a big risk if Arthur stopped to think about them. They were nothing but the harsh truth, the one that physically ached : he could never tell Arthur about _this_, about his magic. "You'd be surprised," he screamed back.

The fire in Arthur's eyes turned to a slow burning ember. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He should have calmed down. Instead, it seemed the question only added fuel to his anger. He was sick of being treated this way, sick of Arthur pretending he was the most important person in this friendship, the one who knew it all. The thing is, right now it seemed the prince didn't know anything. Not about him, anyway.

"You think you're so clever?" Merlin retorted, adding a laugh. "These past weeks, it seems like,.."

Arthur granted him his all knowing, slightly bitter grin. "Like _what_, Merlin?"

It was then that he realized with a force of a thousand armies punching him at once. His hands, raised in battle, fell to his sides. He couldn't say the words he felt like screaming. Arthur would call him an idiot and that would be that. He closed his eyes briefly to gather himself. He took a step closer to Arthur, who seemed to notice he'd calmed down, and said, his voice a mere whisper : "Here's what we'll do. I'll help you, with Gwen."

What he didn't say is that afterwards, he'd leave. Mostly because at that precise time, Morgana entered Arthur's chambers, but also because he couldn't do this to Arthur – not when his heart was on the verge of falling apart. Merlin would have to mend it first.

When the girl had been saved and Merlin was...himself again, he walked to Arthur's chambers, feeling little confidence. He nearly returned to his own room – twice! – and his fingernails were wearing thin, but it needed to be done. Though it wasn't going to be easy.

The first thing he saw upon entering the room, was Arthur's gaze trying to lock with his. The prince cleared his throat ostentatiously, motioning for Merlin to sit down. He preferred to stand. "I've been wanting to talk to you," he began.

_Oh no, you don't. Not this time._ "Er – so have I." Taking a deep breath, he continued his train of thought. "I'm going away for a while."

Arthur

Arthur dropped his quill, his eyes as large as those big saucers they used at ceremonial dinners. "What?"

"Yeah," Merlin explained. "I need a little time off.. for personal reasons. If that's all right with you."

"Merlin, if this is about earlier…" That's as far as he went. It was as far as he _could_ go. For some reason, his mouth wouldn't form the words and he hoped Merlin knew him well enough to understand what it is he wanted to say.

Either way, his servant decided to save him the trouble. "It's about a lot of things."

He didn't exactly know how to respond to that. A lot of things regarding _him?_ Regarding _them?_ He mostly seemed incredulous, as if Merlin leaving had never been an option. Always just _there_, to catch him whenever he fell down. Not that he'd ever admit to being 'saved' by Merlin, but in the ways it counted, his friend had remained by his side. _"I'm going to be by your side, like I always am… protecting you." _

Even this afternoon, when they'd fought, Merlin had still been willing to help him save Gwen. He could've walked away then, but he didn't. Instead, he chose now to leave.

"How long will you be gone for?"

Merlin's mouth twitched. "I'm not entirely sure. Probably no more than a week of two."

Wait – what? "_Two __weeks_?"

His servant smiled a little, sensing his distress. And then he just turned around, moving towards the door. "I'm sure you'll survive."

He didn't know why he didn't order Merlin to come back, point out that he'd never even given him his permission to leave and demand he stay in Camelot. He'd certainly treated Merlin like a true servant these past weeks, so he didn't know what stopped him now.

The crown prince only watched the door fall closed, feeling as if somehow it represented the end of something. A sudden sense of loss enveloped him and whatever that meant, it wasn't good.

"At least tell me where you're going." With those words, he entered Merlin's bedroom the next morning, fully expecting the boy to cave in and abandon this insane idea that had crept into his mind. He was servant to the crown prince, after all; and he was needed here in Camelot. But the chamber was empty. Unnaturally tidy, as if it already conceded to the fact that its occupant would not be returning for some time now.

He felt as if he'd been struck. So naturally, this meant his defences came back, full swing. The annoying sadness that had been there made way for anger – how _dare_ he just _leave_? Arthur needed him now more than ever!

"Sire?"

Turning on the spot, he came face to face with Gaius, who hurriedly took a few steps back upon seeing Arthur's temper rising through the roof. "You've just missed him," the physician explained, "he left only half an hour ago."

"Whereto?"

Gaius rolled his lips inward. "I don't know, sire. To be honest, I'm not sure he does, either."

Arthur bit his tongue trying to control the panic that was starting to rise in his throat. Great, now the idiot might just wander off the path and get himself killed in the process. He knew how Merlin could get on road trips.

"Well, do you at least know _why_ he left? Is it because of what happened yesterday?" He'd hoped Gaius wouldn't even hesitate and immediately say it had nothing to do with that, but honestly – he knew Merlin better than that.

"That might have something to do with it," Gaius told him, "but it's not all."

Arthur pinched his brow and sighed. "Great."

"Merlin would give his life for you, my lord. If he thinks you no longer trust him…"

"Well, why was he talking about his own secrets, then?" Something about Merlin's reply still nagged him, haunting him for a good part of last night. Gaius, however, gave him a reassuring smile.

"We all have our secrets, Arthur. Merlin is no different. Your trust is more important to him than anything else in the entire world. He thinks of you as his friend, but if you for any reason decide you are not, then he.."

"He's like a brother to me," he heard himself say. "An annoying little brother at that."

Gaius remained silent for a while. "Have you told _him_ that?"

Well, no. Because it went without saying.  
Didn't it?

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_Okay, pleaaaase tell me what you think? Pretty pretty please? I'll give you heaps of virtual cookies and cake!  
xo, as always_

_Mae'side_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N : you guys, I'm so sorry it's taken me this long, but real life has been crazy - and my muse had deserted me for a while. THANK YOU SO MUCH for all your support on the first chapter, & I really really hope you like this one. Please let me know?**

**Xo, as always**

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Arthur

"Where's your servant tonight?"

Maybe if he kept quiet enough and pretended not to have heard his father's question, he could get away with it. Oh, the King wouldn't blame _him_ for Merlin not being there, but Merlin would never hear the end of it. Although his servant had sort of grown on Uther, his father tended to regard the bad things more than the good.

Gaius surprised him by taking the fall. "Merlin has been taken ill, my lord." Arthur's eyes snapped upwards, feeling almost ashamed for not having thought of the excuse.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Uther replied while sinking his teeth into a ripe plum, using the back of his hand as a safety net when the rich juice threatened to drizzle down his chin. "Will he be fit enough to serve Arthur in the morning?"

"I'm afraid not," the physician explained. "His condition is only deteriorating – there's no telling how he'll feel after a night's rest."

"You do realize," Arthur told him after dinner, "that you've just lied to the King?"

"Someone had to," came the reply, "for Merlin's sake."

He was right. Of course he was. "I'm sorry. Have you heard from him?"

The physician looked at him as if he were crazy. "Sire, Merlin's only been gone for a couple of hours." Right. Of course. So why did he feel so desperate for any scrap of information? The emotional turmoil he'd experienced over and over again today – from anger to sadness, and a deep genuine worry…and back again – had worn him down. Every commotion in the halls meant Merlin returning. Every voice he heard was someone calling his servant's name. God, he hated being this paranoid.

There was always the option of going after the little brat, but since there was no way of telling _where_ he'd gone, or who he was with, it seemed like an impossible quest. That, and his pride was still somehow holding him back. The crown prince going after a servant was laughable. He was not about to grovel. Besides, Merlin wouldn't want to see him anyway, since he had primarily been the reason he'd ran in the first place.

He'd come to realize that obvious fact after a couple of hours spent mulling over past events; conversations they'd had (or better yet, _didn't have_) and actions that had been overlooked, put down as Merlin's job, Merlin's duty. Arthur noticed that somewhere along the way, he'd simply forgotten. Forgotten that while it was natural for a servant to serve his master, their bond had always been about more than that. Merlin had become his best friend; his only _true_ friend. Who had left.

His father brushed past him, and Arthur was reminded of a small, buried moment over a year ago, in which they'd addressed matters of the kind. It was after the whole dark knight debacle, where his father had taken his place and – blade in hand, the cheer of the crowd urging him on – had killed the unbeatable enemy. "Your servant is very loyal to you," Uther had said afterwards, "_beyond_ the boundaries of duty." Arthur had felt proud then, and grateful. The words had faded over time, now only a faint echo of their former selves. The truth they had possessed was still as accurate now as it had been then.

Tradition and familiarity were deceiving friends. Relying on things to always stay the same may just blow your world to pieces if you thought of them as never changing facts – every day the sun began its ascent into the sky and every day it sank down to disappear behind the horizon. That didn't mean Merlin would always be there, too.

Arthur just needed to make sure that when he came back (_when_, he convinced himself, not _if_) , his friend would stay forever.

Merlin

He had planned to run far, far away from Camelot. Over the hills that granted him the most beautiful view of the castle, making it seem as if everything was okay. As if Camelot was a place where everyone was happy and kind. He had not been. Not for a while now.

That's what he'd intended.

But even before he'd made it to the stables, there had been a force holding him back. A dark thought that had taken a hold of his mind, his heart and – apparently – his feet. The white cobblestone covering the ground in front of him turned to a deep, dark black when he imagined not being around Arthur. Leaving him vulnerable to the world, a defenceless prey to any magic that may cause him harm. His eyes sought out the window he knew was the prince's, trying as best they could to hold back the tears that were forming. He couldn't stay. But he couldn't…couldn't go.

So he went to the nearest place that allowed him to escape, if only for a little while. He watched the men stream in, and laugh, and drink. Saw the maidens fill up empty cups, trying not to notice the way their every movement was followed with the strangest kind of lust. He saw knights, as well. They looked tired and beaten down after what had probably been a long, hard training session. Their eyes briefly flitted in his direction, with only one pair of them resting for a longer while. Merlin raised his eigth pint of beer to salute Leon, praying he would not tell of his whereabouts.

"You alright?"

"Oh, I'm wonderful."

Merlin felt like blushing under Leon's piercing gaze. Clearly, the man didn't believe him. "Don't…" he started, "tell him." He rested his hand lazily on the knight's arm in reassurance. "I know you're required to answer him if he asks, but he won't. So… don't _tell_."

Leon nodded. "How many of those have you had?"

This made him smile. It really, really did. "Not enough. Not _nearly_ enough."

Arthur

Evening time felt strange to his spirit. Without… without Merlin there to take care of him. It was as if some terribly important part of him was missing, a part that he could not function without. Which was ridiculous, of course. He would be able to live without Merlin until he came back; two weeks - - that was.. that was nothing, of course. Compared to a lifetime during which Merlin would stay by his side. To… something. To be his friend.

For now, though, he was restless. Anxious to get out of bed and walk around this castle; this castle he knew. Every nook and every hallway. He would not allow himself to walk to Merlin's room and see if he wasn't there, by any chance, but he could explore everything else.

And there were so many people. He sometimes forgot how many lived here, not really paying attention to any of their lives. They passed him by, their heads bowed in submission. It had never bothered him as much as it should, he supposed. It was all in the breeding – his father had taught him so many things about life, and a lot of them explained why he had turned out this way. This inability to just _tell_ the people who he cared about most now threatened to destroy his friendship with Merlin.

Damn it.

When he saw Gwen, he gave her only the briefest of smiles. She, however, gave him much less than that. There was a heavy frown upon her face as she walked his way, a question in her eyes. "Why is Merlin getting drunk at the local tavern?"

It was only a whisper, a faint murmur that no one else could hear, and Gwen obviously didn't realize how much the words she'd spoken meant – but for Arthur, it was the best news he'd heard all day.

"He's where?"

"Local tavern," she told him. "Has been for a while, it seems."

So he _hadn't _left! Not really… The prince had to force himself not to break out in an ear-to-ear smile (because obviously, Merlin getting drunk didn't really qualify as a good thing) and calmly reply to Guinevere that he would take care of it as soon as possible. He'd have to devise a strategy, for if he walked in there and demanded that Merlin come back to the castle, it would most likely make his servant even more upset with him, but he would find a way.

He would make this right.

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_Okay - so what did you think? Please tell me you liked it! Virtual hugs! cookies!_

_Xo, as always  
Mae'side_


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